I thought I was ok, then I hit the WALL
I couldn’t seem to go over it, under or around it – this WALL was of my own making.
Insecurities that were so carefully camouflaged, I thought.
Fears that stole my joy and strength. I had carefully packaged in boxes called ‘high performance’ and ‘multitasking’, I was certain!
Habits die hard.
When I’ve been totally surprised accompanied with pain it is
Kind of like being hit on the head with a hammer
THIS IS WHEN MY TRUE SELF IMMERGED
Well, maybe not quite true self, maybe my ‘ugly cry self’ immerges –
it ain’t pretty honey!
I cringe inside, and this begins the self accusation and downward spiral that brings me back to center – eventually. All those packages I’ve carefully wrapped get torn to shreds. The camouflage begins to smear and run together until the stress flips me back to the last ‘default’ setting.
Shame becomes the mountain I face, and sometimes I am so weary of the fight I just sit down and have a good cry.
I might be mad, but if I trust you and know you love me, you will see the hurt that is the core of my response. The joy that I could have experienced is stolen because i
Something broke in me this past week and i reached that place where i hurt so bad it just really didn’t stop me. A job needed to be completed, I cried and prayed through the misunderstanding. I longed for joy to return
I can only hope I won’t let the spur of the second cause another wild horse ride!
Weeping may last for the night but JOY comes in the morning!
That is a promise!!
The Table Within Series
JEAugust 24, 2017