A Mother’s Journey

The Next Step

stepping stones“Mom, I need help.”
My emotions froze when I heard his voice.
“Mom, I don’t know where I am, I need help.”
I quickly went into survival mode, teacher mode.
“Look around you, what do you see?”
My voice was calm, soothing, I was in savior mode.
“I don’t know, I see…”

What do you do when you know your son is lost, literally and figuratively?

Lost in the sense of not knowing where he is so you can find him and lost in the matter of not knowing what step to take next in life.

Then I thought of my own place in life, how the last six years have been that same struggle, feeling lost.

My son and I eventually connected and I was reminded of the story of the good shepherd that left the 99 sheep safe at home to go out and find the lost sheep. For that is exactly what I had done that night, left everyone at home, late at night, in the dark, to find my son. It was the conversation early that morning that sealed the trust and faith between the two of us – both on a journey going in the same direction, yet miles apart. For so long it had seemed we would never connect again, but the moment of finding him on the side of the road, in the dark, scared, and totally lost until I found him sealed in us a moment of trust.

A great place to take the next step.

Perspective

January 1, 2016 Perspective


Christmas Eve was rather unusual in our home this year. It was rather uncomfortable for me, but necessary conversations and needed words were exchanged in emotionally packed ways. As I said – necessary and healing.

I like ritual, mine of course, and ritual went out the window that evening, so as I said it was rather uncomfortable for me – I wasn’t in charge I’ll admit it, I’m a little bit of a control freak.

I saw them parade across my screen, the beautiful happy faces, perfect trees and lovely set tables. My holiday expectations. Perspective and expectations tend to go hand in hand. Therefore I was discouraged, I was focusing on the wrong things. I didn’t focus on the strength of character it took to confront and bring front and center those things that everyone knew about.

The elephant in the room was exposed, it only took about 15 minutes but it rattled me, we didn’t do my precious rituals, in exchange we showed our love towards each other through honesty – male version (I’m the only female besides the dog and she wasn’t saying much) I’ve lived around guys most of my life, brutal honesty, yup that is what it was. They ended the conversation, cool with it all, we passed around the packages and not much more was said because of my husbands expert handling a mess turned into a blessed lesson. Peace reigned victorious.

BUT…
IN MY HEAD I was freaking out, “We didn’t do, We didn’t say, we didn’t read, we didn’t do it MY WAY.” I was shocked into silence, except the shouting in my head, “MY Christmas Eve is ruined and my nerves are shot.” I smiled on the outside because I truly knew we needed to have the conversation, it was the timing I didn’t agree with and because of that judgement I have struggled with that ‘reality’ until tonight.

Tonight, when my perspective CHANGED…
As part of my prayer time, oh yes I am SO holy – I need to pray more because I need to change more (smile). Please don’t judge me too harshly, I digress. This thought came to me, Stacey write down ten things that you invested into your children. I began to cry, it was so easy to write ten wonderful qualities that I see in my children, ones they have because of my influence on their life. The influence that was in my life because of what had been given to me. I still cried, tears, snot, blowing my nose – it wasn’t pretty, my judgement wasn’t pretty, my perspective focused on the wrong things.

A gentle, but very persistent impression that my perspective needed to change, that instead of looking at the things that I wanted changed or wished were different, I needed to open my eyes to the very precious gift, the most important gifts: honesty, trust, reconciliation, clarity true love in action – my children and husband knew how to fight, make up and hand out packages all in the space of 30 minutes flat – cool!

I have so much to be thankful for, I am so grateful that my view of a few minutes in time changed forever the perspective I have of who I am as a mother, who my children are and who my family has become as one team.

All the mess and the muck came Christmas Eve and delivered to us Peace on Earth Good Will Towards Men – literally.

(PS I am not suggesting that we should wait until Christmas Eve to ‘get things straight…’ and my husband and I are a team, his input into the boy’s lives has been monumental)

http://bit.ly/1YWevAE elephant pic site

I Hate Arguments!

20140322 gardenI HATE disagreements,

I DISLIKE arguments,

I DON’T like chaos, messes or bad words. Why I had three boys I will never know, maybe because I originally wanted four boys but just couldn’t make it through another idea of the birthing process again. I know all of this sounds cowardly but if you knew my whole life story you would be shaking your head and saying,

‘You go girl.’

So we have established that I like peace. Peace of mind, Peaceful words, Peaceful thoughts… Boys, my boys, are loving, kind at heart BUT if you cross them, get out-of-the-way.

Tonight the ‘discussion’ concerned a pair of slippers… oi!! My youngest after a 15 minute verbal battle with the middle son, stated it in such a wonderful way. “Well, you know mom, if I would have just agreed with him instead of being stubborn, we would not have had the argument for 15 minutes, but I just decided I wanted to disagree and ‘have it out.'” OI!!! I was mad. I was REALLY mad. I went to my room for a time out. 🙂

Now I realize this sounds like I am a push over, I am NOT. I like a great discussion just like the next person, debates, thoughtful rebuttals and so forth. But arguing just for the sake of carrying on a verbal battle…not for me.

Did I say how much I hate arguments?

The Raging Torrent and the Tree

Leave a comment

Inner Solace and Solitude is really about the inner landscape of the soul – my mother tried to explain this to me when my boys were both under the age of two when all I wanted to do was run away for awhile to get my head on straight.

I sought solace beside a quiet river when my nerves were raw and on edge… but when I arrived that river had become a ragging torrent from the spring thaw and resulting run off. I wondered what it all meant then I saw the tree. The tree on the side of the sheer cliff, wedged deeply into a crevice, roots holding it firmly in place as its growth wandered upwards towards the sun. It stood solitary, silent, strong in the midst of a hard granite wall.

I marveled at the wild waves crashing against those hard granite walls, I experienced the mist gently caressing my face and I pondered the strength of the lone tree on the sheer cliff side. Dwelling safely, securely in an impossibly sheer rock face, secure in the cleft of the rock.

I knew I needed to be like that tree… Looking at the Son, not focused on the chaos below or the overwhelming living conditions, but focused intently on growing deep roots, finding nourishment and water and reaching towards the sun, the Son source of life.

I left home that day seeking a quiet pool to ponder and a place to rest, to get away from everything… instead I found a loud, raging river that seemed to match the inner world I was trying to escape. I wanted an outside source to calm my inner pain instead I found a place to stand and grow roots, a place to experience life in the midst of the rapids and I found a place to look – heavenward.

A quick trip, a powerful lesson, a needed break. In the midst of the loud crashing, thundering water, I found peace…a quiet inner peace which was what I had sought all along. I shared my trip, my need, what I learned and my mother replied: “You could have found that right here in the apartment…” and she was right!

I finally understood what she meant… Peace can happen when you visit a calm river, but peace can happen in the midst of the storm, peace inside, because the Prince of Peace is just waiting to give us Himself the author and perfecter of our Peace…

True peace for the inner landscape of our soul, true solace and solitude in the midst of a busy life…

Peace

I visited that tree some 20 years later, it was still growing in the side of the cliff, four times as big as I remembered it when I saw it first. Slowly and steadily growing but growing none the less.

Now I’m  like that tree, somewhat slow in growing, but growing none the less.