By Stacey Britton

Chapter One ~ The Door

Behold I stand at the door and knock; if a man hear my voice and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me, Revelations 3:20

It hurt. The pain just never seemed to go away. She saw herself inside a black box, door wide open. A man kept walking in and out of the doorway. Each day he would tell her his burdens, walk out the door and leave her there crouched in the corner, weeping.

“I will take this no longer! I need to close the door.”

Her inner monologue continued as she stood up, walked to the heavy wooden door and pulled it shut. “I cannot continue to leave this door open for anyone to enter and deposit their burdens.” As she closed the door she whispered to herself, “Now I am really alone.”

As she stood at the door she was surprised by its beauty, its rich thick wood with cast iron fixtures seemed a stark contrast yet fitting somehow. It was a heavy, beautiful and safe door, she was safe. The door had no handle from within and she wondered if its handle was located on the outside or if her thoughts controlled the door.  She heard a knock.  A moment of panic brought bile to her mouth until she realized it was a gentle knock.

She willed the door open and looked to see who was standing and knocking at her door. She smiled. She was not alone, but she could now control who walked into her private space and when they did so. She had the control and choice all along. All the time she could have chosen, no, yes, wait, never…she smiled again.

He stood at the door and waited, then gently requested entrance. She swung the door wide and with a big smile said, “Please, come in I am so glad you are here!” He put his head down as he entered and suggested they sit at a table that had appeared the moment he entered. This table was also created with beautiful mahogany wood, deeply stained, rich with color and polished with a glow that warmed the once dark room. The cast iron connectors did not seem out of place but instead brought character and strength to the new, yet very old table.

It seemed that this morning was a stable routine between the two characters, yet at the same time new every morning. She breathed deeply and caught the fresh outdoor scent that revived her tired soul. His presence renewed her, she desired that he would never leave, yet she knew that he would, only to show up in other forms and in other ways. A song, a flower, a child’s face or request, a co-worker’s burden, a tear upon her own face…all through life experiences when she fully engaged with the world around her.

But this placed, this secret, deep and hidden place was reserved just for Him. At one time the door was always opened, and others had found their way there and she had allowed still others full access to her private room, created only for her visitor that now sat at the strong table. She realized she had been too open with some, and allowed idols to enter this private, sacred, holy place in her heart. A tear ran down her face unchecked.

She looked down as the tears continued to fall unchecked.

The scene shifted and as He stood before her, she fell at his feet and as the tears continued, they fell gently on his war-torn feet. While her tears freely fell on his wounded feet, she wiped them with her hair. He stood there and received her sacred and loving gift of a contrite heart. He smiled. 

The scene shifted again, and they were both at the table of sacred communion. He smiled and laughed at her explanation of the first day of work. He emotionally connected with her as she shared her experiences with the children, his creations, meant for her to invest what He had placed in her, into them. Her area of gifting, when shared fulfilled His call for her to go deeper with Him each day.

She shared about all her ‘news’ this year, she wept as she realized He totally understood her heart, she had no need to try to explain to Him, for he was her creator. She needed to share to help her understand her own responses and burdens. To voice those things in her secret, private place so she understood the why of it all. She began to laugh with delight as she realized the perfect setting for learning He had provided for her this year. He smiled and laughed too, a big belly laugh, holding his stomach while his face turned red. She immediately was reminded of her earthly father and the times he would do the same. Life, laughter and big belly laughs…

her load became lighter in the time of sharing.

Silence filled the room. The darkness seemed to affect the reflective beauty of the table before them. The pause was brief, but she knew the area of deepest hurt needed to be revealed and confessed:  Her heart cry to serve Him fully and completely. The call…her need to be challenged by the word, people and service, a place 

she heard his voice in its softest whisper ‘come to me.’

This was the deepest need and the place of deepest hurt, a place she did not want to look because it was raw and bleeding. Yet his voice was insistent, ‘Come to me, you are burdened, heavy laden, you are lifting loads that are not your own to lift, come learn what I have for you, the perfect load, the perfect fit, come to me.’

She wept again, this time in deep soulful sobs. Her body shook; her weeping wrenched the very fabric and stability of the room. The room was no longer black and seemingly solid. It became opaque like shimmering opals, transparent, pure and holy. She continued to weep. Her weeping became a sweet fragrance, pleasing to her closest, dearest friend who sat at the table, weeping with her.

He bore her load.

When she looked up, her face was reflected in his eyes and instead of encountering a reflection of her puffy, bloodshot eyes, she saw a radiant face, her face. No longer war torn and craggy, but a face of pure beauty, reflecting the true beauty from within resulting from her encounter with pure love. She had become a reflection of Hs love for her as she laid down her burden, her expectations, her feelings of failure and lost hope. In a moment of full submission all that was false fell away and her true self, true beauty was fully revealed. 

She was breathtakingly beautiful.

She was beautiful not because of all the things she had done, not because she had been obedient, although those things were what he called her to. She was beautiful because of what she had given away and no longer carried by herself…suffering, silence, sorrow, pain, anguish, anger, hurt…he had already bore those burdens long ago and won the battle. She no longer needed to carry them, she needed to give them to Him each and every time they weighed her down. She was called to freedom, a freedom that His battle, death and resurrection won long ago for her and all. She was called to freedom, always walking in freedom that she did not earn but that she must consistently receive, each moment, each day.

She smiled, from the inside out.

The room was transformed to a glorious place of light, her heart once closed, dark and lonely had become transparent, authentic and radiantly reflecting her creator’s purpose for her life. She had become the light to the world again, not because of who she was but because of who HE was in and through her. She was ready for another day of battle, another day to serve her deepest and best friend:

JESUS

Chapter Two ~ Transforming Grace

Frantically she paced the floor in the dim room. The Table Within stood in its normal spot but she was too agitated to sit and wait. Her mind was so busy that she missed the first few gentle knocks that announced her friend’s arrival. “Comfort, I need comfort?” she mumbled to herself. She continued to be so caught up in the moment that she missed the second set of gentle knocks on the thick mahogany door.

He heart was racing, she knew she needed to calm down. “Breathe, sister, breathe! In, slowly out, in, slowly out. Concentrate on your breathing.” The third set of gentle knocks came and went as she focused again upon her own needs.

Her pace slowed, her heart beat matched the slowness of her steps. As she passed the heavy door she finally heard the gentle knocking that had previously gone unnoticed in her frantic state. She stood perfectly still. Again, the gentle knocking reached her ears.

Instantly she found herself at the door carefully willing it open. He smiled. She was over joyed that He did not mention the many times He had knocked while she was seeking Him but stumbling over the loudness of her thoughts which. Had drowned out the sound of His arrival. She was glad He wanted to come in and spend some time with her. She smiled.

His heart was saddened that she did not allow Him access to her room all the time.

He longed to be there every moment and anticipated the day when she would finally realize this was His home in her – His place to swell forever. There would be no more need to knock, just freely allow Him to stay and receive from Him. He waited. He knew her pain and suffering would need to increase as He disciplined her to a place of total reliance on His transforming grace.

She was learning to trust again, hear again, and say no. Even if her ‘no’ was said to Him, He understood her fear and pain. HE would call her close and she would come, her heart was tuned to His voice even if she became distracted at times. He smiled. He loved her carefree and creative heart. He longed for the day when her darkness would break though to the glorious sunshine He had placed in her long ago. She allowed His sunshine to pass from His heart though hers to others, but she had forgotten her own gift of sunshine, coming straight from His power within her.

She stood in the dim room fazing at Him, wondering what He was thinking. He would smile and then a shadow would cross him eyes only for a moment marking a thought that brought out the curiosity within her. Would He share His secret plan with her today? What was He thinking?

He knew she longed to know him better, serve Him more, hear His voice clearly. He knew her heart was still covered and shrouded, even though much healing had taken place in recent years. He also knew, He would need to continue with gentleness and patience.

She remained standing in the middle of the doorway. He remained silent, thoughtful and patient. Suddenly she realized they had been standing in the doorway for a while just staring at one another, He was waiting to be invited in, as was His custom, flustered she said in rushed tones, “Oh! My goodness! Please come in! What a distracted person I’ve become. I am so glad you are here. Let’s sit down and chat a bit.”

At her words, His heart rejoiced with hope that maybe, just maybe, this would be the day of great rejoicing. Habits are so difficult to break, but nothing was really impossible, He knew this very well.

She sat in the dim room wondering why the transparency of the day before had faded. Wondering why the moments of surrender and glory did not continue all the time. Did her lack of courage to ask Him to stay all the time keep her from always experiencing the light in her heart? It seemed to her that at seasonal points of time in her life He remained in her inner room, as a constant tenant. What had changed? Why did she expect that He would come and go only to show up in other forms? Was that scriptural? Had she accepted a lie?

She looked up and saw His smiling face and knew in an instant that He knew her thoughts. In her mind she heard the word ‘ask’ and so she did…

“I’ve been waiting a long time to tell you I want to reside in this room, the inner most private part of your heart. I’ve wanted to tell you how I long to stay here and swell here with you, to be your constant friend and comforter. To be there at all times in joy and in pain, during easy times and during the times of testing and growth. I long for your heart to be my home.

May I stay?”

Her eyes were large as sources as she realized the depth of need she had at that very moment, realized that this request was indeed the deepest desire of her heart as well. She opened her mouth but was unable to speak. She sat there gazing at Him sitting across the table, sensing and knowing His complete love and acceptance of her – just the way she was in every instant moment of her life, past, present and time to come. This was the plan, the secret. She sat in shock.

I do not deserve this she thought, immediately se heard in her head “I love you no matter what, my grace is sufficient for you, I died so you could live, free of the tyranny of this life here on earth.’ She was too overwhelmed to cry, her breath caught in her throat and she grabbed the edge of the table when she thought she would fall off the bench. “Me? You desire to live, here with me, in this di, dark, sad place? Now? You desire to dwell here now?” she barely spoke the words as they tumbled out of her mouth in hushed whispers.

He wept.

In that moment, love tore open the shroud that covered her heart with despair and unworthiness. In that moment, her load was lifted and His path for her became clear and the fullness of joy entered the room, filling it to overflowing. In that moment, as she chose to accept His love for her, accept His plan for her, accept His desire to be her very best friend, savior and Lord at all times, in that moment she was freed.

His home was now in her, He would be able to move about freely in her life, she would hear His voice because He would be her constant companion and friend, she would know the truth and the truth would continue to set her free day by day and moment by moment. The room was glorious, fully reflecting the presence of the most Holy God and trough the power of His transforming grace she was free. Jesus had set her free.

She was fully accepted, fully loved, and fully free.

Blessed is the person who does not walk in the council of the liar, who does not stand in the way of the foolish, and does not sit in the seat of the self-absorbed, but blessed is the one whose desire is to walk in the way of the Lord, in truth, love and freedom by mediating on His word continually. (Psalm 1:1paraphrased Bible)

What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear, what a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer. Hymn: What a Friend We have in JESUS

Chapter Three ~ Tree of Life

A soft amber glow emanated from the core of the room. Once it had seemed solid and dark, now the room had a vibrancy that seemed to be alive and moving, yet stable and unmovable at the same time. The room had two constant occupants, herself and her counselor friend. She finally realized she had never been alone in this room and although at times it had seemed like a dark and lonely box, unsafe and unsecured in truth it was the total opposite.

She had learned her choices left the room unguarded with the door swung open for anyone to enter. She had learned her thoughts kept the door shut or opened and that it was her desires which enabled her to see her precious friend and hear His voice. It was her perception that at times she could only perceive her private room as a lonely desolate place full of hurt and pain. She now knew that it was her choice, which view she would focus upon, light or darkness. It was always her choice. When He wouldcall to her, “Come to me,” she could hear and answer His call, or she could be locked away in her own thoughts, inaccessible to Him – but it was always her choice. She could receive Him or reject Him, but He never rejected her.

The realization of these truths freed her, once freed then it became a discipline to remind herself daily of who He called her to be, in this room, in the core of whom she was, her identity. It was in this room that He spoke to her of His love and His plan. It was in this private room that the book, the altar and the cross would become the symbols of her place of learning and strength. The table within would be the place she would come daily to meet her friend, to receive His words of strength, love and hear about the tasks as she constantly chose to dwell in His presence, focused on His voice, His plan, and the burdens that He asked her to carry.

Here she learned His tasks were always perfect for her.

Today she sat quietly at the table within. The room silently vibrated with warmth from His presence. This room was transparent, yet opaque at the same time. Authentic, yet protected. Open, yet guarded.

The scene changed and she and her very best friend were sitting at the beautiful mahogany table that was located in the center of the beautiful room. Her eyes began to see what only moments ago had been shrouded in mystery: the walls of her heart. Shelf upon shelf contained beautiful vases, all unique, each representing seasons of her life. There were countless beautiful but empty vases lining the walls of her heart. Upon inspection she realized that each vase had at one time suffered some type of damage that had been repaired. Her mind reeled with the implications of what she saw about her life. She stood silently before each vase and allowed her strong friend to remind her of the many lessons He had led her through. How she had been broken so many times and He had mended her. Each vase was unique, just as the life lessons had been unique. Each vase was empty and ready for Him to take and use. She stood stunned and frozen in the middle of the room when the vases vanished from her sight.

“You are my vessel, ready at any moment’s notice. Because you are mine, I know that I can pull from anyshelf in your heart the vase that contains the memory of how I accomplished my will in your life. The memory is there for you, the empathy you have is born through years of my breaking and remakingyou.” The room glowed with an intense vibrancy born from the truth of His words and His presence, both His truth and His words washed her with peace.

The scene changed again and she was sitting at the table within, looking at a beautiful vase that sat shattered with large pieces piled in the middle of the reflective table. “Look close, my friend, see what I see,” He encouraged her not to look away in shame, but to dwell there with Him at the table and look ather brokenness. “This vase is the most beautiful in the room.” He gently whispered. She wept.

“It’s beautiful because it is all mine. You have come to me in your vulnerability, authentically revealing and admitting to me your complete need of Me to become anything of value or use. You have offered to Me all of yourself and this is what YOU see: a broken vessel. Close your eyes and listen.”

She sat at the table within, willing her eyes to close completely, to trust completely, when she could not see the way. To allow her very best friend to have all her weaknesses and strengths, to have complete control of this private room in the center of her heart, her very core. Her core, the place of the Table Within, was the control center of her life and He was asking her to stop, rest, close her eyes and trust. She obeyed.

The ground began to shake under her feet, her eyes remained closed. The room became hot, her eyes remained closed. A sweet fragrance filled the room, still she obeyed and waited for further instructions. A cool breeze caressed her face and the smell of beauty filled her with hope. Still her eyes remained closed. She rested.

“Friend, what you thought was broken and unusable became the very tool I needed to complete mymission for and with you. A broken and contrite heart is what I desire. Remain in me, and let My words of truth remain in you, is all I have called you to. Come to my table within, the core of who you are, within the center of your heart. Come always and completely. Bring what you have, all of what you have. This is all I have asked you to do and you have heard and obeyed my voice. You are mine.” Hebreathed on her and asked her to open her eyes.

In the middle of the room where the table within had dwelt alone, a beautiful tree had grown in the middle and from the pieces of the vase that had lain in the center of the table a strong tree trunk had formed. The table remained, but the tree was now the center piece. She observed the tree: it had deep roots that grew down through the floor of her room and extended throughout her body. The branches grew upward and outward extending as far as her eyes could see. Fruit of every type imaginable grew in parts of the tree. Some parts of the tree were vivid green, with healing leaves. Other parts of the tree held fragrant and juicy fruit, ready to be given to those that needed refreshment. A breath of fresh air surrounded the tree. She stood, silent. She realized she was the tree, firmly rooted and established from the living water of life found in her dearest and oldest friend – living water was a gift she fully received from Him, her creator.

She walked to the Table Within, now covered and undergirded by the tree of life. She smelled the sweet fragrance, she touched the strong trunk, she broke off the green leaves and crushed them in her hands a healing aroma filled the room. She chose a fruit and looked at its shape, texture and beauty and realized its form reflected a piece of the broken vase she had placed on the Table Within only moments before. Her dearest friend had taken the broken pieces of her current life, empowered it with living water, created life from brokenness and given her a future and a hope. The tree was not only for her, it was her mission, her call to give, to receive, to dwell firmly in the center of who He had called her to be. To not believe the lie that she had no value and was broken. But to see the truth that she was strong, vibrant, living, fragrant and whole. All these things, every piece of the broken vase on the table, all the vases that were carefully organized and placed on the shelves of her heart were integrated into this tree firmly planted in her heart, ALL of who He created her to be from the beginning of time was what He wanted to use, and what she had given to Him in trust.

The walls of this private room remained transparent and yet opaque, solid and yet see through, closed and yet opened, private and yet authentic. The Master, her creator had made it so, in the twinkling of an eye He had taken all of the vases that had lined the walls of her heart and created fruitful nourishment for those that encountered the reality of who her friend was as He lived in and through her. She was His completely and He never wanted her to doubt this fact, or bow to the lies of those who would wish her harm.

His gift to her was life eternal, a friendship that would remain moment by moment each day meeting in this room, her heart, and at the Table Within…Her friend: Jesus the author and perfecter of her soul.

Psalm 1 …and a righteous person will be like a tree planted by the river of life, bearing its fruit in its season, its leaf will not wither and whatsoever is done will prosper…– Bible paraphrased

Chapter 4 ~ Chains

The heavy linked chains crisscrossed her back as she sat at the table within.Only moments before she had been freely standing firmly in the bright sun…Only moments before she had been fighting the battle of her life and the enemy had fled and the sky had cleared, bringing brightness that had vanquished the darkest night.

How did she get here, why was she held firmly to her chair, unable to move and weighed down with the heaviest chains she had ever encountered? For that matter where was she? She was not in her normal meeting place, nor in her home town. Where had the enemy taken her? She was bound, could not move. She bowed her head to pray. “God, where are you?”

The last thing she remembered after the battle was two large, dark chains had wrapped themselves across her back and over each shoulder. The chains had reached up and grabbed her, as if they had a mind of their own. She was in bondage and she didn’t know why. But bondage to what…what was binding her and keeping her from her freedom?

Pray

was all she heard in the darkness as she sat at the table, bound to the chair by the chains. She bowed her head again and began in earnest, asking to be freed from whatever it was that bound her fast to this place, this room, this chair. Bound her tightly and did not let her go.

She remembered what she had learned at the Table Within, Jesus never would leave her or forsake her. This was an outward threat, not inward, some thing, someone did not want her to continue. She quickly prayed, “Lord, free me from whatever binds me to this chair,” pictures flashed through her mind and she immediately realized what she needed to do, she confessed and the chains fell off. She was free. She stood and was taken from the room in a quick moment as fast as the blink of her eyes. Again she was free.

The skies remained bright as she exited the dark room that held her no longer. The chains of the past held her no more because she realized they were not hers, it was the enemies ploy to bind her and keep her from the freedom she knew to be true. It was a trap. In reality she was free all along, never bound.

Chapter Five ~ Burden

She woke up in the middle of the night, heart racing. Her door was ajar; she placed both hands on the heavy, protective door and slowly pushed it shut. Her heart slowed, she was safe again. She found herself sitting at The Table Within again, hands cradling her head on either side, head down, seeking help. The words to a song kept repeating in her mind, “good to me, good to me…” She decided to listen to the song on her phone as she allowed her body to relax.

Several meetings she had requested came to her mind at the end of the song andshe quickly changed apps on her phone to the one marked ‘email’ and drafted two meeting cancellation notes, she dared not send them … it was 3 in the morning. She was tired, yet wide awake; she was depressed, yet encouraged. Depressed might not be the correct word – oppressed might fit better, hemmed in on all sides, feeling the pressures of so much change and trying to find balance might be the best description, she still had hope – nope, depressed was not the right word. Her mind kept trying to put into words the feelings that were rushing through her heart and mind.

She sat at The Table Within and waited in silence. “I’ve been waiting until you were done trying to do it on your own.” She understood what He meant. The lover of her soul, the entirety of who she was, always knew what to say, was always a gentleman. Waiting so patiently for her to lay down all her burdens to just sit with Him unhindered, tears slid down her face in relief. There was no condemnation, just blessed comfort to her weary and worrying heart. “Let me take your burden.” Tears dripped off her face onto her night shirt, she was so weary of trying to figure out the answers to her problems.

She quickly went through at least 30 emails, and realized that had not helped, she was still unsettled. Maybe she should cancel the appointment at work also. She hated the vacillation as her mind tried to assimilate the ‘to do’ list that kept screaming at her. She opened, read and finished all the emails. Her heart was still beating toofast. Checking off the ‘to do’ list was not what she needed.

She remained at The Table Within, with her phone… maybe the phone is the thing that doesn’t belong here. She put it away from her, picked up her computer and checked her email from work, concerns at work were heavy on her heart, and there were so many “new” things she felt overwhelmed, humbled and was reaching the point of shutting down if she didn’t change.

In her hands she placed all the things that she was worried about, work, family, health, finances, adjustments, being good enough, and the list went on and on. As a worry would come to her mind she would talk to Him about it and ask Him to take it from her, or grant her wisdom and strength to bear up under the load. On the last item, when she looked up, she saw complete love looking back at her.

“Oh child, you worry and fret about so many things, let them go, sit with me, drink in my presence and know my love for you. It is good that you give me the burdens, let me erase the pain and misery that accompanies the triggers you face each day. Be healed.”

Once again at The Table Within, her heart was renewed and strengthened; she was reminded of who she was like: a tree firmly planted by the rivers of water bringing forth fruit in its season. Her tree was fruitful because of the one sitting with her at The Table Within. Her life was strengthened because of Jesus, the author and perfecter of her faith. She breathed deeply and was reminded of the fresh fragrance of peace. Her heart was beating at a regular pace, her mind was silent, no more accusing voices yelling her name, her door was closed and she was focused on Him. He was her place of refuge in the time of storms that woke her in the middle of the night.

Praise filled her heart, songs of joy flowed freely from her mouth. A smile deep and wide brought the beauty of freedom to her face. She sat straight and tall ready for another day. The battle had been faced, control had been returned to Her Lord and Savior, and she was ready to receive His orders for the day, the things that He deemed needed for the hours, minutes and seconds that were hers to walk in obedience. “Lord, what would have me be and do today?”

“Come to me when you are weary and heavy laden, come to me and find rest, take my tasks, my directions and learn from me, for I am your good shepherd.”

She sang a new song in the morning, resting a bit longer in the all-encompassing focus of His powerful presence. She was renewed and finally ready to begin her day by reading His precious words in The Book. She longed to dwell every moment with Him at The Table Within. She was learning how to constantly be inis presence, recognizing His presence in her life and heart…

“For I long for you to come to me…come…” ~Jesus, quoted from The Book (Bible)

Chapter Six ~ Belly Laughs

She sat at The Table Within which had become her habit. He sat across from her. They said nothing and yet said everything. It had been 20 years since her earthly father had died. She was sad, she was grieving, she was in pain. He knew it, she knew it, but they just sat there in the comfort of the trust that had developed between the two of them. The silence was a suave to her. His presence was a comfort. She breathed in deeply and encountered the fresh aroma of peace, it permeated every cell of her body as she continued to breathe in its healing power. She was revived, her grief was still fresh but the pain was gone and one by one sweet memories and stories that brought a smile to her face travelled through her mind.

Grieving is a process she thought, almost like an onion that you never come to the bottom layer of. People that invest into your life leave last marks in your memories, habit patterns and enrich the fabric of your life she thought. She never wanted to forget her father, the pain and loss she could deal without, but the wonderful memories that were contained in her mind she never wanted to forget.

She stood up in the warmly lit room and walked around the table. She looked at the walls of the room when moving pictures appeared, memories of events throughout her life were playing so she couldrejoice and remember with clarity the impact her father’s life made on her own. This too was part ofthe grieving process: remembering the special parts of your treasured loved one, remembering and laughing. Memory after memory flooded the walls of the room, like so many movie pictures playing at the same time. Silent yet impactful, then she heard it: the belly laugh.

Dad’s belly laugh, if he was sitting in a chair he would lean back hold his stomach, and laugh so hard that his face would turn red before he took a breath. Loud, oh is was loud and joyful and catching! Manytimes I wouldn’t know what I was laughing about, I would laugh because daddy was laughing. I am sure the Heavenly Father was laughing too…belly laughs that were contagious and fun.

Who would have thought on a day for mourning joy would come to her through remembering a Belly laugh…

Chapter Seven ~ The Hill

She was positioned above the hill looking down. Three crosses, empty, stood roughly worn by the desert sand. Three rock hills stood against the wind and weather. Bodies wrapped lay all around the middle cross – warriors bound in wrapping strips that did not seem to change with the weather as had the crosses and the rock hills. The sand came and went as she saw the lone woman, herself, kneeling over each warrior, bound in the wraps of death, silent, motionless.

From her viewing position, remembering the story of the dream of the woman kneeling over the wounded warriors, it had been years since this dream had entered her thoughts. Yet yesterday the reminder came, ‘you are building warriors’ this sentence fragment had confused her until this moment of reminder as she viewed the picture again in her mind. Wounded Warriors.

She remembered the desperation the first time she saw the picture in her mind. So many bound in the cloths of death – yet they were very much alive – just bound. She remembered in this moment how she had wept over each one, at the foot of the cross she had knelt, at the side of each bound warrior she had prayed. Please God, release them for your glory. But what she had prayed after that point? No, that was what she was being asked to pray now, in this season. They are ready for battle, but their confidence came when they were bound, walking in the darkness. Bound for this moment in time, the time to be released, renewed, rejuvenated for the battle without and within.

Again, she saw the mounds of sand blowing over the rocky hills, the crosses that stood as a reminder of whose they really were. The meaning of the middle cross, the man God had purchased their freedom and healing. Jesus. On the cross no more, but the cross was the reminder of the relationship we now all could have with the creator God, the God in Jesus and Jesus in Him, showing us the way. The Holy Spirit, like the wind sweeping among what seemed like a dead scene. The bound were like seeds that were ready to be planted for new growth and depth of roots. The beginning – NOT the end. Life NOT death. Yet to glimpse the scene you would not have thought of life or hope, yet it was the truth and freedom to come.

Again, she viewed the scene from a place above the ground. Saw herself in the midst of this seemingly hopeless, dry and desolate place. Silent, except for the wind. As she paused to reflect on this place and remember the time before, her desperate prayers, and cries requesting healing and empowering to each warrior bound in death cloths. She remembered one by one carrying them from the hill to unknown destinations, out of view of the scene, to places unknown but filled with purpose. She remembered coming back time and time again to remove the bound and free them to run again. She remembered.

Why the reminder today? Why the tears today? Why write today? The warriors are waking, free from the things that bind them, free to fight yet again. In wars she would never see, in places she would never go – except in prayer. You are building warriors, God’s warriors for Kingdom work. Remember.

The scene changed…

She was transported again to the cavern, with the table and living tree. The TableWithin. To the room with the door without a handle, one that she opened with her own willingness to become vulnerable. ‘Open the door again,’ she looked and the door had been closed. It could only have closed by her will. The door must remain open in trust that her very best friend, the one who died and rose again for her and the whole world could come and go, could remain with her always as He was at all places at all times in the world. Such thoughts were beyond her, yet the door had become shut. Closing in the seemingly safe, me and my friend communication? Why was the door shut? Why had she closed herself off from growth, healing, dreaming, walking in the world with her friend and savior? What happened? Where had her trust been changed? Had she shut the door, or was it shut for a season and a reason?

Confidence in all places, at all times, in all ways had opened the door before – trust in her friend. Not trust in herself, but trust in the character of her very best friend. Trust in Jesus. Her confidence had been badly bruised, her heart had been revealed as again trying to do things in her own strength, living on old victories instead of daily nourishment. Bogged down by leaving the Table Within and her friend behind, walking in the world in her own wisdom, which was foolishness. What happened? Was she now the one that was bound at the foot of a cross, was she one of the warriors that needed healing and someone else to pray for her restoration for service in the battle?

Yes.

She was now seeing points in time where she had died at the foot of that cross in the desert, or at least it seemed like a death.

Pruning, for more fruit, like a good vine dresser was the purpose for the pause. Seeing the fruitful branches and pruning them to grow even more beautiful fruit was the mission and outcome of this desolate place.

Just as she knew the bound warriors were not dead, only healing, she now knew she too was wounded, yet still had life. But she was not whole, each one of those bodies on the desert hills were parts of herself that her very best friend was revealing to her as she looked at the scene below her. It had not been her crying out for the healing of the wounded soldiers, it had been her friend, praying for her healing from the wounds of her past. It had been His presence freely given, living in her, that had been praying through her for the bound bodies she had seen. She was not alone, she was close and in his heart. He was showing His heart through her tears.

She wept again.

She knew every person has parts of themselves that are bound, whether for healing or just because the pain is so great only time and slowly looking at one’s life with the best friend’s timing. Such perfect timing. Why did she see the warriors and pray for them? She recognized they were not dead only being protected so healing could occur in its timing, and for God’s glory and strength to be revealed.

She looked again at the scene from a position high above. She saw herself in the different roles, compassion, crying out for help, feeling the binding of rest, finally relenting and receiving healing. The scene had changed, there were only two or three places where the binding still remained. In all actuality there were probably many more places needed for healing, but for today? Today, the recognition that she too needed the prayer, she too was wounded, she too was healing, she too could relate to the depths of relinquishment and complete trust, door open to the Savior for healing, love, communication. These things faith, hope and love would remain so the door needed to remain – open to all three.

1 Corinthians 13:13 The Bible ESV “So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

Chapter 8 ~ The Place of Safety

Quietly she entered the room, the inner room of her heart. The place she met with the healer of her soul. He was there, waiting, and even though she did not realize it, He had really never left her side. Always available, always present, she still did not fully comprehend His ever present character. His complete God and complete human existence, nor the way He worked through time and space, in the form of Spirit that could discern, know and guide her steps. She did not realize it was this very Spirit that reminded her of her need to step away and reflect in a place of safety.

To cry and speak her heart, to trust completely and dwell in the safe place, this inner part of her heart and soul. Always a place to come when confusion and heart ache would flood her to overflowing.

Know? -she did; Understand? -just a little; Need? – a great deal. Complete sentences and thoughts did not come, only fragments, suffering and sorrow overwhelmed her.

She chose to sit at the table within and dwell in the secret place of God within her heart, a place of safety beyond all others places. She longed to just curl up and cry big tears, but she was tearless, silent. Suffering and I n shock? Wave upon wave of sadness and sorrow were the only words she could use to describe her frazzled emotions, peace and joy were there as well, knowing she was fully loved was her understanding, but right now, she was so very sad. She had the answer, but only silence met her there.

She sat.

She rested.

She waited.

What would He say to her in the silent, alone place deep within her heart?

Come to me, you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

She recognized the Holy Spirit’s voice in her mind, guiding her to the truth of Jesus’ words when he was on earth, the words recorded by Matthew one of His followers. She too was a follower, she too was tired and trying to take on too many burdens that were not hers to carry.

Jesus was there in her inner room, the Holy Spirit was speaking without words, reminding her of the truth in her situation. She was picking up burdens that were not hers to carry, her yoke was to hear and pray, giving those burdens back to her close friend, sitting across from her, at the TableWithin. It was a comfort to picture Him there, it was a comfort to know the truth the Holy Spirit spoke to her mind. It was a reminder and an instruction restated over 2000 years later: God knows your every burden, He sees your every tear, He shows you His heart as well for He is also concerned for those things that are overwhelming you with sorrow for these are His sorrows too.

She took the next few moment to speak to Him while she sat at the TableWithin, to give him her hurts, her feelings of failure and her deep desires for Him to work a miracle in her loved ones hearts and lives. Work in the people around her. She felt like such a failure, she wept.

Gently she was reminded: To the world it looked like I had failed as I hug on the cross to die those many years ago, but the place that seemed like a failure was the very place that the battle was won, once and for all. You are not the savior little one, I let you see what my heart sees, feel my grief, and then come and talk with me about it. we are a team. ‘Come, all you who are weary and heavy laden’ is an invitation to the table to talk with me about what I have shown you that concerns my heart.

Be of good cheer, remember, I have overcome the world. The battle is won, your yoke, is to follow me.

Chapter 9 ~ Tell God What You Need

I was not in the room, but He was patiently waiting there for me. The statement ‘tell God what you need’ hung in the air as I willed myself to enter and sit before Him. How in the world was I supposed to tell the maker of the universe what “I needed?” He said nothing, just looked at me intently. I knew honesty was the point, becoming vulnerable yet again, was the lesson.

I need peace, strength to face what I do not want to face. Courage to accept the consequences in my thoughts of things that I had said and done in the past that had direct effects upon my growing family. Decisions I made that were haunting me. I needed freedom from the guilt of seemingly, continually ‘missing’ parts of life where my focus had been outward, not right in front of me. I need a new perspective on the stories I heard at the Christmas get together. I need to give the burden, yet again, to Him – the one sitting across from me at the TableWithin. I need to let go, but I am hanging onto the ‘you are not good enough’ message again. No one is good enough, the words floated gently through my thoughts and caught me up short, stopped the grief place I had decided to get stuck in again. They are mine, Stacey. They have their own life to walk with me, your yoke is to hear, listen, and come to me – let me be their God too.

I knew he was right, so what did I need? I need to be free of self doubt, I need to be more confident in what you have placed in me, to honor You, to truly rest in you and your plan. I need to tell you that this Christmas was probably the hardest yet. There were no traditions that were followed, each area was different, hard, unfamiliar, uncontrolled by my ‘planning’ I need to learn to trust others to do what you ask them to do. I need to trust You in others and recognize You in them. My burden/yoke is mine alone to carry straight to the cross in prayer, straight to the TableWithin in all honesty and rawness, imperfectness, in humility.

I need to depend on You.

I closed my eyes, left the burden there on the table in front of Him. Chose to trust Him with the rawness in my heart, the effect of letting one part of my own armor of protection fall before Him. I am not the savior, I need the Savior – Jesus. I got up to leave and He gently grabbed my arm. You don’t need to leave, you need to remain – here with me – always. Aware of me always. Knowing that you can share with me anything, anything and all things. I love you. I choked, coughed and tears ran down my face. My throat constructed and I could say nothing. I was so weary of carrying a load not intended for me.

I need help, Jesus. Help to discern what is mine and what is yours. Swiftly I knew the answer – it is ALL HIS – He gives me minute glimpses of His burden for me, for others, for the world.

AND I can hardly bear it. That’s the plan, share what I cannot possibly do or be in my own strength so I can KNOW that HIS strength is perfect in me. In this I can rejoice. My mind shouts back – ALL THIS doesn’t make ANY sense!!! YOU SOUND absolutely out of your mind! Yes, that is true, I do, but even in the place of insanity from the world’s point of view – there is a Godly wisdom and compassion reaffirming that God’s ways are not my ways, His thought are not my thoughts. His thoughts are perfect, reviving the soul.

Rest, and take ME with you wherever you go, Stacey. Door open, heart strengthened, mind renewed.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

The moon shining brightly in the middle of the day.

A rainbow filtering the light with a multi-colored promise of hope.

Psalm 8 quoted here from The Bible ESV version

“O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens. Out of the mouth of babies and infants, you have established strength because of your foes, to still the enemy and the avenger. When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor. You have given him dominion over the works of your hands; you have put all things under his feet, all sheep and oxen, and also the beats of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the sea, whatever passes along the paths of the seas. O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!

These too do not make sense when you do not know the intricate science of nature that God put in place at the beginning of time.

Chapter Ten ~ Start at the Beginning

The river pictured here is one of the many head waters used by Salmon each year to go back to where they started their own journey as eggs. Their job: lay eggs, new life, where they began. The circle of life.

My start at the beginning is the start of one more area of healing in my own life. The TableWithin is the river, the words are the eggs, the road – less traveled. The beginning this time was literally with the word, one word: God.

She could hardly stand to read, listen or speak. Such a strange triad of challenges. She made a living by reading, listening and speaking but these were all paused. Literal silence was needed. Head phones, sensory deprived rooms, no My TableWithin entries. No Table – just silence, darkness, and necessary isolation. Survival. She was aware that she truly was NOT alone, but the same ways she had experienced life, full of sounds, hundreds of people, daily speaking and listening was her chosen profession, not only her work but something she truly loved. She loved being with people, singing, laughing, planning, participating. Now? She could hardly navigate one conversation with no background sound. Tolerating about seven minutes of conversation, as long as she was the one talking and even then she would need to stop several times to rest before finishing a spoken sentence. A stark contrast to her life ‘before.’

The journey was different than her ‘TableWithin’ moments. She couldn’t physically write, hold a pen, and trying to read computer screens or watch Television ended with dizzy spells and headaches. So she found the place of headphones, pillows, dark rooms and silence – literal silence as her very best friend. Each day was a struggle to survive in a world of words and sentences she could not track nor respond to, an observer that missed most of the plot of conversation, responses were limited. Starting at the beginning is hard, yet my constant companion asks me to return to the beginning and find Him there.

Besides the earphones, pillows, silent places I can see and understand now, after the fact that a small little fluffy feline became my constant companion. Often sitting on my lap, rubbing his face on my hand and purring quietly in the background. Warm, snug and happy to do his job of comfort. This action was not by chance.

Now, I’m ready to meet in the inner place of the TableWithin that wasn’t.

She sat at the table with her constant friend and companion, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief, she looked at herself sitting in the chair with cushions and silence. She cried. His hand touched hers and He asked her to look closer. Look at the face of the one sitting in the chair. She saw peace, rest, comfort and contentment on her face, the face of the one she now viewed in retrospect, as she began her journey: start at the beginning…

Even now as she sat at the TableWithin her ears were ringing with the new sound she often placed in the background. Even now, she knew there were things that He wanted to teach her about the year of solitude, the safety, the trust, the confidence, the rebuilding, the compassion she learned from those that could not think as fast as she ‘used too’ or connect ideas and experienced ‘creativity’ in the fast mode of her ‘before.’ Like building a new house the ground needed to be prepared, the foundation dug and poured. So sitting in the silence was the prep.

Now the scene changed, in the corner of her TableWithin room the chairs, pillows and darkness were joined by a muted light, individual pages of study material that contained words, sentences and favorite passages that were so very familiar to her. She still could not read them, by this time she could hold a pencil and find one word in the texts she was trying to read. One word she could identify, even though she could not comprehend the sentence structure nor the context of the story line. One word, she circled, at first she could find and circle the word in one paragraph and then she would need to rest. This process went on for days. Literally finding the word “God” in each page, circling only that word, still not understanding the sentences, skipping all the other words to find: God.

The woman at the TableWithin remembered how hard it was to focus and how impossible it was to understand text that was so very important, known and critical in her life’s journey. Still breaking into the silence was the one word: God. God circled in pencil on individual study pages used for Bible Studies in years past. Only ONE focus: God. Where was her friend that normally sat with her at the Table? He was standing beside the chair, the pillows, and the light speaking words she could not hear, sustaining her each day with strength she did not know about until now. “You kept seeking me,” he whispered as He sat across the table from her. Your one motivation? You wanted to ‘get back to work’ I wanted you to focus only on ME, so I placed you in isolation to help you return to your first love.

As she sat at the TableWithin she began to see her trauma and recovery as the gift that it was meant to be, the gift of LIFE devoid of people pleasing, devoid of performance, devoid of trying to do too many things or overdo to be ‘excellent.’ She saw her heart attitude of unthankfulness concerning her ‘multi-faceted’ former thought processes reduced, for awhile, to a one-track, focused mind. One focused on: God.

Her heart was filled with gratitude and the picture of herself in the corner of her heart, sitting in a chair, with pillows, cat, sheets of paper and a light disappeared into darkness.

“Now rest,” He said, and she did. She walked out of the inner room, Jesus at her side and re-entered the world of multi-colored brightness, to her family, friends, work and so much more. She walked with the assurance that she was never alone or in the dark, for her friend was there every step of the way.

I will never leave you or forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:8) In this world you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world. (John 16:33)

My TableWithin: A Journey Home

by Stacey Britton | September 2014-December 2023