By Stacey Britton |2012| Blog
NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
He stood in the doorway, leaning his elbow against the frame and cradling his head in his hand. It was never going to be enough. He could never spend enough time with his wife, never enough time with the kids as they grew from toddlers to adults. Never was enough, his heart screamed at him, never, never, never ‘good enough.’ There will always be another drain to unclog, a lawn to mow, a bike to ride, a sermon to preach, a prayer to pray, God, my work will never be enough. Oh, God how I need you.
The venom of resentment pooled in his mouth as he swallowed his words and took his anger again to the Lord. The old tapes of self-loathing, the ones he thought were ‘under the blood’ played in the center of his soul. You will never be good enough; you will never get it ‘right’. Unshed tears of frustration and hurt, already cleansed by Christ’s redeeming blood, announced their presence as the scars on his soul. Oh God, please hear me, I know you’ve taken these memories, these experiences, these unholy places of frustration, and yet here I am back at the foot of the cross bringing them before You again. The shadow of a past, the echo of a dream, both cast a separation glass between receiving his rightful birthright as a child of the King and wallowing in the depths with his history.
Claiming victory and walking in victory, two disciplines that were his friends throughout his Christian life. The sweetness of God’s presence walked with him each day, but there were those awful gut wrenching moments when sweat would pour from his face when he was brought to his knees in prayer. He began to realize that in those moments it wasn’t just for himself that he prayed, but his flock also struggled with the pain of the momentary life here on earth and the eternal promise of the reality of being an eternal being, not of this world. He felt the pain of the stark realization that he did not belong here on earth, his home was heaven and the pain in his soul caused him to pause his breathing as he prayed through.
All these thoughts and feelings flitted through his tired mind in an instant as he stood in the doorway, confronted with the mundane clogged sink in his new home. This was just a temporary dwelling, his home was with God, his true home was in the eternal and it was good enough. way more than just good enough, it was unimaginably good!