He saw the words on the page and wondered if the word ‘blessing’ was an accurate description of him. Others described him as a blessing, a gift, a powerful speaker, a God given leader, but did he, could he, believe it himself? Did he believe it deep down, down where only God could see his heart?
God had given him much, he had given much in return, however, somehow it never seemed to be enough – in reality it never would nor could be enough. It was a gift, freely given; he needed to receive it freely with no additions, no but… Could he allow himself to stand beneath the cool springs of living water, every moment of every day? Could he let himself continually dwell in the mighty power and presence of the almighty God without feeling unworthy? It was true he was unworthy in his own power.
The sufficiency of Christ’s death on the Cross, the end to separation between man and God, could he practice the continual presence of God or more yet, deeply let it seep into every known part of him for continual cleansing? A time paradox, a soul conundrum, but nevertheless truth in its simplest form: receive the gift – continually…
He would never know the many hundreds of lives that God had changed because of his obedience to the call, on this side of heaven. Countless hundreds multiple times had chosen to speak with him after church, “Thank you Pastor…” “That sermon really hit the spot…” “God used you in my life, Pastor…” The shear honesty in the words was sometimes lost by the chatter in his brain, “Oh, but you don’t know how I messed up the third point.” “Oh, but you don’t know what a difficult time I had with the first five minutes of my delivery.” “Oh but, you …” constant chatter, missing the heart felt relationship meaning in the words. Also missing the Father’s “I love you son. I am proud of you son.”
Standing and allowing the blessing to touch his heart was another way to receive the love of his Father. He knew this, and strived for it, but somehow it seemed to elude him, much to his suffering and anguish. His Father would cry when he missed a blessing He sent his way. The Father knew he missed the humility gained by swallowing his expectations and actually hearing and receiving the many gifts offered to him each time he would ‘step into the anointing’ using his spiritual gifts.
Receiving love came in many packages, trust from others, responsibilities, spiritual gift sets, people, and loved ones. Allowing the living words of blessing to touch his heart was the message he kept missing… stumbling over his wall of discernment. Discernment was creating an automatic filter; his loving Father was asking him to lower his sword and shield long enough to fully receive the many blessings He placed in his life. To receive the Father’s love fully in all of its forms is another type of discernment.
A blessing, a message, however painful, the Father was sending to him. He fell to his knees, “OH GOD, he cried, test me and see if there is any wicked way in me, open my ears that I might hear your statements of love for me, open my eyes that I may see the ways that you show your love for me. Test me, oh God, let me rest in your arms as your beloved son, let me see and hear you Lord in new and deeper ways. Oh God, have mercy on me.”
He fell to the ground, his face to the floor and wept…
and God heard his cry.
(created story)