Long Journey Home

Long Journey Home
By Stacey Britton | Blog July 28, 2021 | posted November 21, 2021


Bring to me every concern, every failure, every hope, every dream -everything.
Remember, I am your creator and comfort. I am your’s, child. I am your source, without me you are nothing? Even if you don’t acknowledge me I am your source. -Father

I’ve taken many trips of mental thought about how God works in my life. The foundation has always come back to the fact that I am not God, even though I would really like to control things, my life, suffering and so forth. Then I listen to those thoughts and laugh. “As if” I could run the world, create the Universe and imagine the Tucan bird. My view is so small and God is so big.

Even though my base belief is that God exists, I find myself doubting His existence when pain enters my life. I try to take care of my pain instead of letting it go, trusting God, and believing that I am deeply loved, completely forgiven, totally accepted and absolutely complete in God because of Jesus Christ. (The Search for Significance by Robert S McGee)

I know these things, but when I am hurting I don’t always believe or feel these wonderful truths.

I come to the point where I have to

CHOOSE

to believe what I know to be true – in the midst of the messes of life.

Joy comes eventually, trust is reborn, hope emerges and brings life and direction.

SOMETIMES, I just get STUCK, frozen like a deer in headlights. Other times I walk in fear, stand fast during the storm and learn to trust even though I don’t feel like I can even trust my own thoughts.

MAYBE I am the only one that struggles so, when loss, pain, loneliness, isolation and illness enters my life, but then maybe more that I suppose can relate to this raw telling of an inner walk of faith. Maybe.

One thing I do know. No matter how awful life lessons are and how much I do not understand or handle them in the moment…

God loves me, this I know and I am HOME.


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To Send or Not to Send

By Stacey Britton | 05July2020 |Blog: To Send or not to Send

To Send or Not to Send

I remember it vividly! It was Christmas holiday from school for me. A nice break to regroup and work on my writing. I’ve been writing since early high school so in reality since the late 1970’s. Writing but not publishing. Writing but not sharing. Writing in secret a downloading of my life.

The first send: I shared my writing with one person. One story. One push of the button ‘send’. A living trust of part of who I am FINALLY shared with someone I trusted.

“Have you published this story? This story NEEDS to be published!” It was 2012. Over 30 years of pouring my life unto the page, pages and pages, pens galore. It took another several postings to my friend, story after story, send after send. Bringing me the confidence to finally think the impossible, possible.

Maybe, just maybe I could write my stories and post them on a website.

Then one December night in 2013, Christmas Eve our family had celebrated in our normal way and the guys were playing the new games, laughing, joking around and so forth. I took the opportunity to find a quiet spot in my upstairs bedroom. I took the time to FINALLY step forward. My heart was frantically beating, I was afraid, my secret life of writing would now become public. Should I take this step, should send my life out among others to be seen, read and become vulnerable with the reality of my life story? Shame tugged at my mind, doubts yelled in my head, unworthy, you’ll be exposed. Don’t do it!

I stepped forward, set up the website, loaded a story and ‘Publish’ was pushed. The Christmas story of that evening soon became my highest read story of all for several years. But it was the story behind the story that I am sharing now.

I remember how I felt then and wonder why it took so long to share my life with others. Reader, be brave, each of us have a story all our own. No one else knows the inside of our minds and hearts. Share your ideas, push that ‘send or publish’ button, search for them with a boldness that carries a hope of the future.

Just Send.

I’m reminded of another ‘send’ story. Jesus was sent to us, it was his choice to leave heaven and tell us His story here on earth so we in turn could have a relationship with Him. He sends us to share the loving story of His longing to have a relationship with all of us, to reunite God our create to our story.


Come

By Stacey Britton |April 29, 2020 Journal Entry | Blog Trying not to Hurt
Trying NOT to Hurt

I’m trying not to hurt, but sometimes everything connects in the perfect storm of emotion and I am sapped of life. Usually it does not last long, once I figure out what cut open the formerly healed place in my heart.

This time?

I had several points of dagger entry and I was overwhelmed, I shut down my emotions unless I was alone where I could cry out to God for help, or just to ask Him to help me walk through whatever caused such damage.

Other times, like this time, I’m still angry – because I see the patterns, over and over again AND I am still silent. My voice does not shout out what I see, silence has become a habit.

Recently I did speak up, twice, and because my strong voice is basically never heard, when I finally spoke it sounded like a shout. My trickling waterfall became a raging storm of water, it did not seem to be my voice at all. What they did not know?

The raging storm of water is my inner voice.

I’m still learning how to speak, to keep my own wants and wishes out of the equation and literally lean into Father for the very words I do speak out loud, my very breath and thought, pulling all of those gifts, to speak, to hear, to listen, to be in sync with my Heavenly Father that the double edged sword that He has me speak goes in cleanly and brings healing.

This is not the healing that I thought I was praying for…

To listen deeply to another soul, while you are listening to Abba and asking Abba how to respond – this is a walk of healing, side beside someone. To allow Abba to fill you with a love not your own and obediently give as Abba asks, this too is a healing. Healing the poverty, loving the lowly, caring for those you may never know.

But God Knows.
God Sees.
God Hears.
God Heals.

I am to pray for the give of healing, what I walk I would never have called a healing gift. But it is the deep inner healing of loving another with no expectation of return.

Jesus died on the cross to save our souls, He loves us and gave up everything. He healed us of the broken relationship between us and our creator.

Healing sight, hearing, diseases, this is what I thought Abba meant, that I was to grow strong faith to perform these miracles. But instead He took me on a journey to see what He sees, to acknowledge that relationship with God and others IS the great healing. I am not to judge how He wants me to follow Him,

I am to follow.
Come and Follow Me, He said so long ago – and still today He says Come.

Sing Out!

30.April.2020 | By Stacey Britton | Blog Sing out

Psalm 101:1 I will sing of your love and justice, Lord. I will praise out with songs.

While this verse declares that part of worshipping the Lord requires singing and praising with songs.

I am ashamed, my voice has gone silent and when I do sing my pitch is off and the quality of my voice is not clear or beautiful. I long for stronger vocal chords. I am older and I have not participated with other singers so my muscles are not in shape. I am not qualified, not since a long time, 2004 maybe. You do not use your muscles you lose your muscles.

I weep.

I WILL sing … again.
Listen to the song of the Lord and sing back to Him – this is healing to you and a love song to God. Do not be afraid that the song will not be good enough – sing.

A Creative Person?

by Stacey Britton | May 23, 2019 | Blog: A Creative Person?

I’ve never thought of collecting data for lessons as an act of creativity.

Nor have I thought tallying point for a choice day particularly creative.

More like survival for the best of teachers. Data represents thought, and in this case the thoughts of a growing person. Points represent choices by groups of little people working together toward one goal, choice by choice.

When I began thinking about a teaching career I never thought of these things and how they connect to supporting a child’s social development, stability, trust and encouragement. The tally mark represents so many things in the music room. This I NEVER thought about. Tonight, it is foremost in my mind…

Tonight as I begin to enter a copious amount of data into a district grade recording system, I am reflecting on the power of the tally mark. It’s daily impact on my life and the life of my students. The silent vote system that is one of the basic foundations of VOICE – singing and speaking, predicting and finding solutions, the tally mark is effecting my life tonight and will for several nights ahead. Let’s see, 350 students each student receives 3 music grades, (3×350=1050 grades) each grade represent at least 100 tally entries for each student for Semester one and the same for Semester two .(1050×100=105,000×2=210,000) I’m probably missing a few thousand somewhere!

At least 210,000 tallies! Sometimes just one tally means grading a test (10/20 questions = 1 tally) and if I really wanted to show you my two-2 inch binders full of observations, grades, and so forth I would. But then I haven’t even begun to share about lesson planning, building rubrics, creating power points, exit question forms, check in quizzes AND I have not even spent one moment teaching YET :->. (more, more and more…)

In my wildest dreams I would have not thought that a tally mark was creative, nor in keeping track of all the jots and tittles, the little details, would that help me be a particularly creative, fun teacher. BUT IT HAS and tally, or observing and WRITING DOWN what I have seen has been creative and fun for me. The students look at what other classes decide or vote for, their likes and ‘not so much likes’ 🙂 it begins to build community in all types of ways – the tally – who would have thought that?

Not me! A Creative Person? I never would have thought the tally could be used in so many different ways and for a multitude of purposes.

Past the Place of Struggle

By Stacey Britton | April 12, 2019 | Journal Entry

I literally have no words

for the struggles that I’m walking through right now.

That is probably why I haven’t written in a while.

I’m here.

In the midst of the dark night of the soul.

It is silent, I am silent.

I’m waiting for the dawn of understanding and a ray of morning hope.

I am waiting for words.

***

Keeping traveling friend, you are not alone.

-Stacey

Peanuts & Pepsi

Peanuts and Pepsi

The plastic seat covers made that crinkly sound like a thousand pieces of Saran Wrap crunching together at the same time. Little square indentations on my legs reminded me that I had sat on the car seat far too long and I needed a break. Hot blasting air assaulted my face and rampaged my hair, flipping it around and stinging my cheeks. Oklahoma in summer time, red dirt, hot air, fast wind and flat land. The asphalt roads traced their checkerboard patterns across the waving wheat field landscape; we were on our way to grandma’s house.

The gas station attendant nodded his head and handed me the ladies paddle shaped key ring, dad stood in front of the water cooler as he pulled out three Pepsi bottles. I knew his next steps would take him to the peanut bags on the counter by the attendant. I knew we would be there a few more minutes than my mom would prefer. Dad had his, “I’m going to strike up a conversation with this nice young man,” look on his face. Dad could talk a stuck fly off of the fly paper prison on the wall. Dad could sew a yarn and tell a tale and dad knew people.

When I returned with the funny shaped key ring, dad was engrossed in an animated conversation about some such thing that I could never remember after our trip. But he and the attendant had shared a sacred moment in time – person to person, face to face, and human being to human being. It never surprised me when dad would invariably be able to connect one unknown person to some person or place he knew through out his life’s experience – like I said – dad knew people. He knew how to talk fish to fishermen, logs to loggers and shoes to potential shoe buyers. Dad was a salesman.

We both made the blustery trek back to the parked car, and heard the familiar, “J.L., what took you so long?” She knew, but she asked the question anyway. It was the opening line of the beginning saga of the gas stop encounter story dad would tell us for the remaining miles of the trip as we drank the soda pop and chomped on peanuts. Dad would put his peanuts inside his Pepsi bottle so he had one hand free to drive. His other hand would grasp the Pepsi bottle and as his story would unfold with the Pepsi bottle becoming like a baton a conductor holds, pausing and waving emphatically just at the right moments in the musical composition of his unfolding story.

“Well,” he would answer, “You know that young man in there knew old Larson that lives on Chestnut street. Larson used to drive his school bus, we had a great talk about Larson, it reminded me of…” and dad would continue his monologue entering the new information he learned from his new found friend at the gas station. We would laugh, sigh, and I would sit on those silly square shaped plastic car seat covers and never even notice I was uncomfortable because dad was spinning his yarn, creating life in the fast moving vehicle.

We were on our way to grandma’s house, eating peanuts, drinking Pepsi, and listening to dad’s real life adventure. Life just didn’t get much better than that!

cStacey Britton 23.12.2004 (story dated back to the early 1970’s and the names of Larson…were not original names)

Ants!

Grandpa’s Farm Series

ANTS!

I remember the ants…
Red, stinging, biting ants!
Ants in my pants,
Ants in my shoes,
Ants in my hair,
I was covered with BIG RED ANTS!

Ouch! I cried as I stood up and stomped
Swiping my hair
Pounding my bottom
Scuffing my shoes
MOM!! I yelled…

Now I was running!
Running away from those. Old red ants.
A quick bath
A new outfit
Different shoes
Combed hair

AAAAH!! A tootsie pop
Life just doesn’t get much better than that,
When you’re seven.

Stacey Britton c27Aug2007

Vacations, yes!!!

by Stacey Britton | July 6, 2018 | Journal Entry

I’m learning that vacations take a great deal of planning, protecting and preparation.

I mean a true vacation, like a Silent Retreat, well I can tell you that type of rest takes protective work in the execution everyday.

Vacations, yes!!!

just a stack of books…

just a stack of books…

the very first day of my 55th year was, wild, fun, silly, surprising and humbling all wrapped up in one a ‘day’ box!

i woke up with the stressed out realization that I forgot to renew my driver’s license- a first time offense! Three hours later, job done!!

the ‘stack’ of books came next, along with ‘just a little something’ both statements were amazingly understated. I picked up so many precious books and a birthday gift and other items that began to help me understand words that had been spoken.

speechless, blessed, overcome with thoughtfulness was my first day of 55

happy birthday Stace

journal  entry 1august2017